She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
