There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
