So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
