Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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