Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
