The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
