I didn't shave. On purpose
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
