cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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