my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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