So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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