yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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