so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
