I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My pussy is not your playground.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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