Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
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You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
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