Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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