Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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