I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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