Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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