his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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