the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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