Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
