glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
