God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
