how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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