there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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