She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
