Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
