Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
