I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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