dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
