The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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