pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
