He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
This house was built for laser tag.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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