After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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