He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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