Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
