im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
