I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
