I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
