there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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