At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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