somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
