My sheets look like a crime scene.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
