Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
