what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
