I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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