I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
