Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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