Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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