if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
