he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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