you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
