I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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