I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
