How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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