Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
