Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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