i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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