omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
